Why do public bathrooms have toilet paper hangers with rolls that look like caveman wheels? They're so large and cumbersome I feel like a contestant on the wheel of fortune trying to spin for money.
I just want to be able to get in and out of the bathroom as quickly and painlessly as possible. Yet every time I enter I feel like James Bond on a mission. I must decode the toilet paper roll and deploy it before my bladder detonates.
I've actually gotten quite good at cracking the toilet paper holder codes. The last cypher I cracked went something like this, two quarter turns to the left, one half turn to the right, one pound with my fist, two curse words under my breath and "ta da" the vault door opened and I was rewarded with a 12 inch piece of paper. I was so proud of myself I consider leaving the code on the bathroom wall next to the heart with Jamie loves Kevin inside.
The only problem is toilet paper holder's seem to work on some kind of revolving cypher. When I tried to use the same series of moves again it didn't work.
Usually in this case I decide to make the best of the situation and balance myself over the toilet seat using my quadriceps to not only, keep me clear of deadly bacteria, but help prepare me my thighs for swimsuit season.
Yet, even if I survive this Gladiator moment, I still have one remaining challenge. Can I hold this position long enough to air dry, and if not, what do I have in my purse that could be used as toilet paper? Which is why I never have any deposit slips left in my checkbook when I need to go to the bank.
Lisa Alex Gray