Have you ever found yourself driving down the road, when you open your eyes and notice, you've driven five miles further, than when you last looked?
Now, I have to warn you this is a trick question, it's not about the distance you traveled in five minutes, although kudos to you if you made good time.
It's about your need to - open your eyes - while driving.
I'm sure you are aware, this is not an accepted driving method, in fact, it is highly probable you will be given a ticket, once your car comes to a complete rest in someones’ front yard.
So why do it? Why take out someone’s Hibiscus bushes unnecessarily?
Because - I am a mother/wife/full-time career girl, who is - desperately in need of sleep! (FYI, I have not yet harmed any Hibiscus bushes, so please don't send "The People For The Ethical Treatment of Bushes" after me.)
Yes, I am behind on my sleep. I've just been a bit tired since... Freshman Year, High School; but that's only a 27 year deficit. I can make that up, right?
It all started in Sister Mary's Shorthand class. It's really all her fault. If she had been a more stimulating teacher maybe I could have averted this whole issue.
I remember being in her class, sleeping to the rhythm of her chalkboard drawings of the shorthand symbols for "The quick brown dog jumps over the grey fox."
I mean, really, when were we ever going to need to put that into shorthand? The odds of seeing a brown dog jump over a grey fox had to be one in a million.
In a feeble effort to stay awake in her class, I would watch the clock on the wall for any semblance of movement, until my eyes would start to play tricks on me, and time would begin to move backward.
Then I would move on to phase two of my "Lightening Bolt Strike Me Now Plan", and forcibly hold my eye lids open with my fingers. It would become a battle of fine motor dexterity - the eyelid muscles versus the pointer finger and thumb. It's, actually, really impressive how strong an eyelid muscle can be. How I've ever managed to poke my eyeball with a mascara wand is really beyond me.
Remembering those days, gives me an idea. If our military ever needs to find an affective form of torture, we may want to consider Sister Mary's shorthand class. She may still be available; I think she was around109 years old when she taught my class, which would make her about.....
Well, you do the math.
I guess, until I have figured out my way beyond my sleep deficit, I will continue my daily fantasy of returning home from work and diving head first - shoes, purse, groceries, whatever's on me - into bed.
Then, again, maybe it's time to resurrect my "Lightening Bolt Strike Me now Plan"? At my age, time going backward could work to my advantage.
Lisa Alex Gray